One Step At A Time ....

Hi Friends!

Hola Amiga,

Ligia here! Thank you for taking the time to read this blog entry. I pray that it will bless and encourage you and, most importantly, remind you that Jesus loves you.

I want to warn you that the following blog post may trigger some complicated feelings. Please know that you are not alone, and feel free to reach out if you are walking through a difficult season.

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After going through some old photos, a friend of mine found this picture of my oldest daughter and me and decided to share it with me. I've had the photo for a couple of weeks now and debated sharing it. However, I keep coming back to it and know the following may help someone today.

This photo was taken at a yearly airshow that my then-husband and I would attend. In previous years we would take a picnic, enjoy the show lakeside (that way it was free) and finish the day with ice cream in hand. But this year was different. I was a new mom to a 6-month-old, I was struggling to do even the basic things (like getting myself together), I was losing a lot of weight, a lot of hair, and whether I wanted to admit it or not, my marriage had already begun to fall apart.

There was no picnic, no enjoying the show. This year no one knew (not even myself) that I was struggling with post-partum depression. I felt so guilty and ashamed; this was everything I ever wanted. I had finally become a mom. It was supposed to be blissful, even magical and don't get me wrong, I loved her deeply, but the truth was I was alone, my soul slowly dying, and I was barely holding on.

He no longer loved me. I mean, why would he? My mother didn't even stick around. My father eventually left, is what I told myself. I felt unwanted, uninvited, unseen. I remember trying to make the best out of this day, often telling myself that this, too, would pass. Just like many other times in my life eventually did. But this was different, and I didn't want this time with my baby girl to pass. I wanted to enjoy her; I wanted to be a good mom, I wanted to love her how she deserved it, but I barely had anything left and wasn't sure I knew how.

In silence, I often fought suicidal thoughts. Fought against despair and the burning desire of just wanting to meet Jesus. I can't really pinpoint the moment that changed for me; maybe it might have different moments that helped me make it into the next day, but time did go by; this did too indeed, pass.

The marriage finally ended. I was now completely alone and more heartbroken than before, but through it all, there was still a little flicker of hope that although I had strayed away far from Jesus, nothing had separated me from his love. I remember I had Jordin Sparks' "One Step at a time" on repeat, and although this is far from a worship song, I felt God speaking to me through its lyrics. It's funny how our God is so relevant and will oftentimes use the things that appeal to us to speak to us. Day by day, one step at a time, He helped me make it.

This April, she will turn 14, and although so much more has transpired, so many more lessons learned—more stories I could share. God has been so faithful. If you find yourself struggling today, maybe walking through post-partum yourself, it's okay; you are NOT ALONE! God is near, and people are willing and ready to help you in this season, including me. And if no one has ever said it, You are essential to this world, and you too have a purpose my friend— just take it one step at a time.

“For all these things are for your sake, so that the grace that is including more and more people may cause thanksgiving to increase to the glory of God. Therefore we do not despair, but even if our physical body is wearing away, our inner person is renewed day by day”. 2 Corinthians 4:15-16